The fine print on e-books

E-book devices and e-book sites say some appalling things to me.

Real books have better manners. You’ll never hear this from a printed book:

“Just because you paid for me, doesn’t mean you get to own me forever, especially if you have to change devices. Didn’t you read the 10 Things E-Books Won’t Tell You?”

“Book loading.  Please wait.”

“You’re in Australia? You don’t have the right e-book region code. You can’t buy me.”

“You got water and sand on me! Help me, I’m dying!”

“Flip quickly between the main section and the glossary? What you do think I am, a printed book or something?”

“My software is malfunctioning. You can’t open the book for which you paid. Sorry.”

“I’ve been stolen. The thief hasn’t just taken one book, but your entire library in a matter of seconds. Bye bye.”

“Recharge me.”

“Look, at night, if you turn on a light to read me more easily, there will be glare, OK. Same goes for reading in strong sunlight. If you want to read at night or in the sun, go get one of your printed pals.”

“Oh-oh, you’ve dropped me. Good night.”

“I know I said I’d be greener because I don’t require paper, but I do require electricity.”

“Did I mention that when I die, all my plastic and chemical components will pollute the earth?”

“Tactile features? Typefaces chosen by a designer? Wide gutters and margins? Form used to support meaning? Sorry, I don’t understand. I don’t speak your language.”

“I thought you realised that I can’t be recycled like a paper-based book.”

“Author signatures? Personal inscriptions? Messages from loved ones? Go talk to your old-school printed friends. Guess they’re all hanging out at the Book Inscriptions Project.”

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